


Do you wanna see?

by JeffersonStarships



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Forgiveness?, POV Lucifer, and Resentment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 14:51:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16097915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeffersonStarships/pseuds/JeffersonStarships
Summary: I live, now, in your echo.And it reverberates inside of me like a soul calling out. "Oh oh oh," it chides as if I were a child skipping across the playground, "Not… so fast."It shudders through me like a chill, like fingers inside me, tight across my bones, fire woven into my entrails.You are the master of evil and I never stood a chance.





	Do you wanna see?

            I live, now, in your echo.

            And it reverberates inside of me like a soul calling out. _Oh oh oh_ , it chides as if I were a child skipping across the playground, _Not… so fast._

            It shudders through me like a chill, like fingers inside me, tight across my bones, fire woven into my entrails.

            You are the master of evil and I never stood a chance.

            I answered Yes, Father.

            As you please FATHER.

            I am at your mercy, FATHER.

            I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY. FATHER!

            You made me who I am. Colored my skin as dark as you pleased. Bled me as dry as I could get. You painted my pain across your fingers and asked me not to cry- You _ordered_ me not to cry!

            You told me, _THIS is love! THIS is all you’ll ever get. You are MINE, and mine alone._

            I never… I never knew it wasn’t meant to hurt.

            For so, so long love meant pain. It meant fear. It meant never feeling like I was enough.

            I was all that you made me. You called me your favorite and still you tortured me. I would be anything, _anything_ you asked, and so I became the monster.

            Angry. Resentful. Disgusting. Revolting. EVIL. SATAN!

            A horridly disfigured beast you had thrown from the sky to rot alone in the dirt.

            But I raged too fiercely. I grew too frightful to even look at, down passed the long, elegant feature that was my Father’s nose.

            What was I to you Father?

            Did you ever even realize I was alive?

            Or did you sit among the finely pruned flowers that were the roses of your children, that you had groomed so delicately, and see nothing but weeds grown too wild by your own hand?

            You had my brothers and sisters gather to watch as you threw me into a cage I could never escape.

            I wish you would have LAUGHED, I wish you would have. I wish you would have smiled and joked and shrugged me away with your wicked shoulder.

            HOW DARE YOU CRY!!!!

            How dare you say you wish there was more that you could do and let your children hold you.

            I was supposed to be your child! I was all you ever asked!

            You say you wished I could have taken responsibility for my actions…

            Wished I could ask for forgiveness for my sins.

            Wished that I could feel guilt about any of it.

            And then you walked away and pretended that you mourned me…

            So, I waited.

            I waited and waited and waited for you to come to me. So, I could ask forgiveness, but you never came.

            It took me so very long to realize you weren’t coming. That you never planned to. It was all a lie, a story you had forged to punish me for existing.

            The story started with your non-existent love and ended with my woeful tears and your false ones…

            But somehow my brothers and sisters rewrote your story, demanded that it end as you had groomed them to believe it should all end. And I was to be the leading role, just as you had led them to believe. I was the Devil.

            Yet, he- some small thing- a pawn so easily swayed- he rewrote that story again…

            He and his brother rewrote fate, rewrote their role, rewrote my part out altogether.

            So, who am I now Father?

            I am not your child.

            I am not Satan.

            I am not a monster.

            And I am not a hero.

            Maybe I’m just as you made me. And nothing else.

            I am a canvas and the artist is still at work.

            Maybe I’m changing, even all this time later. Maybe I understand now why you never could love me. The creator never loves his creations, all you ever see are the imperfections…

            I did not create him… but I can see my name carved in his soul. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. Kindness and caring, so unabashedly reckless. He’s what I could have been. What I could be… perhaps one day.

            Love hurts Father. But not the way you taught me, and not the way I can do it. Love is beautifully imperfect, and I see it everywhere I look.

            He looks like love Father. Do you wanna see?

**Author's Note:**

> This fic... This fic is something deeply personal. Forgiveness is a long, long road and it is paved in tears and heartbreak and misunderstandings. We can't ever go back. They can't undo what they have done, and neither can we. Hate doesn't solve it anymore than love can, which is to say that they don't solve a thing. 
> 
> But just because you can forgive them, even if it tears you apart and eats you up, that doesn't mean they deserve you.
> 
> If someone is hurting you, you don't have to stay. I BEG you to walk away, to find help.


End file.
